Ghagh

I'm so fucking sick of people passing judgment on others before they even get to know them. Who the fuck are you to say that anyone has no life, or that they are fake. You can't see someone's soul with a glance, and if you think you can you are really fucked up. I'm sick of people who sit around and want to do something to make a difference, yet they stand waiting for someone to make the plunge. Even when somebody does do something that could mean something, they won't support. I hate this town. It is so full of people who say that they live a certain lifestyle when really they just like to get dressed up like it is fucking Halloween or some bull shit like that. I wish that I could really get to know some people who stay distant and waiting. There is good inside of everyone, and there is no reason to blockade yourself from others because you dress differently, or have different beliefs. I am just so sick of those who pass judgment without knowing me I guess. It isn't only people who think differently then me either, it is people who are so fucking absorbed into a "scene" or a "lifestyle" that think I am fake because I am young or hang out with people they don't like.
I don't label myself into a stereotype, I do what I want because for some reason, that is what I think is right... Is this so far from what you are doing?
On a different note; I suck. I've been feeling really numb to most everything lately. I wish I could see everything objectively, and not get stuck thinking about one decision, or how one choice affects another. I just want my head to clear. I want to feel happy. I want to feel pissed. Being stuck in the middle is the cruelest endearment that I've ever had to deal with. Sometimes I question, what is my life worth? Many people would say nothing, and sometimes I agree with them. What the fuck am I doing here typing thoughts and feelings on some stupid blog nobody will ever read or care about. My existence is purely for my own entertainment lately, so what happens when you become dissatisfied with your life. Do you keep pushing forward till that moment comes where you discover your meaning in this world? This is why religion was made; nobody can deal with the fact that your life is nothing but a statistic, a driving force, a small worker in the beehive of civilization. So they go searching for a fictisous answer to all their soul's desires. Maybe I'm fucked up, and maybe I just can't sleep at night and talk to people who aren't there, but so what? Is it not better to stand still then to be a part of the system? We could all learn a lot about others by just standing still and observing what is going on around us. We could all learn a lot about ourselves by seclusion and silence. However, there is a time and a place when you must scream and shout and push and shove, and in that one moment. That one second of glory when you don't care about how you look, or what others think of you, you are infinite, and that will echo into everyone whose eyes are open, and mouth is shut. You may be silenced, you may be constrained, but you will make an impression into another person's soul, and inspire them to make their movement, to be infinite, for just that one second.
That's all I could ever ask for in my life. That is all I would ever need.

Job hunting.....

Today I went riding on my bicycle looking for resumes. I took home about 5 or 6, and have filled in like 3 so far. I need a job so that I can hopefully move out of my mother's house within the next couple months ahead. She is moving to a new state at the return of my step-father who is an active duty soldier in Iraq, once he returns in a year or so he will have the opportunity to work state side but their are no military bases in Michigan so we will have to move. I'm sick of living life entirely dependant on my parents support. Its going to be hard but I would much rather be hungry and broke than under their control. Call it teen angst, or naivety, I don't really care it is just to much bull shit having to deal with my uptight, super controlling, typical white christian mother for much longer.

I want to find my way in this world. I don't want money, I want happiness.

I'm not sure if I can find that living with my mother.

This is it.

The time that happens in every young adults life, and yet it swiftly comes to bite you in the ass when you least expect it. This year I will be graduating High School, and will therefore have to make up my indecisive mind on what the fuck it is that I will be doing with the rest of my life. How is it that I could run through all those years and all of those problems with no damage done?
This weekend was my last hurrah for summer. I went to my old hometown to hang out with my best friend, Ethan. After a couple beers and a lot of motivation on his part we went hopping from pool to pool in his neighborhood. God, I never feel more alive than when I'm out doing stupid crazy shit with my friends. Will it, however, have to end with this summer? Next year I may live in a different state, with different views on life, with different friends and a new goal: the future.
All my life I have tried to stay focused on the present, and now I have to worry about the rest of my life? It is ridiculous, it is mind blowing. I don't want a conventional job. I don't want to be a walking suit with no real aspirations other than getting that raise he's had an eye on for so long.
I want to live my life independantly from all the big corporations and money hungry consumers. But I'm just a tiny fish swimming for my life against the greedy sharks. I just have to pray to god that I can hold out for just a little more time.